when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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