I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
