Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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