My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
