I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
