Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
