I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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