Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
