Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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