remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
