You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
