I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
