Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Actions speak louder than pants.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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