could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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