just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize