What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
