the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
