If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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