i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
