he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
