This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found your dick twin last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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