Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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