u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
