You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
