I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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