Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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