You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
