i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
