I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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