You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
