this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
