woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
