We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize