some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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