I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
