State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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