So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
