Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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