Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
