how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
