he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
