It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
