I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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