I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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