he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
