Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
