im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
