Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
