Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She yelled “outlaw country†right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
