watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
