Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
