I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
