Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
