My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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