did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
