Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it's like heaven, but drunker
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Drunk is a universal language darling
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