This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
