god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
