I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
